How come firefox 4 is so different and anoying. The refresh button is so small... if you can find it. Where is the stop loading button?

The Stop and Reload button have been merged into one and can be seen next to the address bar. You can customize it and make it separate if you want. The steps are given in this thread-

http://support.mozilla.com/en-US/questions/764121

The reload is next to the address but again where is the stop button? If you move the mouse/arrow over the reload arrow (small and blue) it says "reload" . How is this a stop also?

If you click on the reload (curved arrow), it will momentarily become red and show the stop button(red cross). In firefox 4, the reload/refresh button has been merged/put together with the stop button. You can customize it make have a separate stop and reload button by-

"View > Toolbars > Customize" or via "Firefox > Options > Toolbar Layout"

   Drag the Reload and Stop buttons to their previous position to the left of the location bar.
   Set the order to "Reload - Stop" to get a combined "Reload/Stop" button.
   Set the order to "Stop - Reload" or separate them otherwise to get two distinct buttons.